The light from the candles flickered across the altar cloth on which an open Bible lay. On the wall above, a plain dark wooden cross dominated the room, only partly obscured by a tall floral arrangement. The couple prayed, "Almighty God, give us strength to keep the vows we have just made." The ceremony was over, family members embraced, the cameras clicked. The end to a fairly typical New Zealand wedding? Not really, for I was the Humanist celebrant and this was my first wedding. It was not at all as I had imagined my first function as a marriage celebrant would be!
My clients were second-time-rounders, very genuine people and unaware of my dilemmas. They were too much preoccupied with getting the occasion right for themselves and their grown-up children who had never met each other before this occasion.
Should I tell them I was a virgin celebrant? Why burden them with more causes for concern than they already had? (I did need quick wits, though, when asked how often I performed such ceremonies!)
How much did I charge? Taken unawares I quoted an amount I'd heard about when I'd first been accredited eighteen months before. Twenty dollars had then seemed enough to cover my expenses. But a few days later I learned that we civil celebrants would be frowned on if we undercut the $45 charged by the Registrar. At the second meeting with my clients I managed to imply that I had just been caught up with and it had to be $45 from now on.
What sort of venue did I recommend? Commonsense told me to advise against an outdoor setting for a 5pm mid April wedding in Wellington. I suggested a restaurant, or hotel with a small area for a ceremony for nine people wanting to have dinner afterwards. They chose Plimmer Towers which had such facilities and I went to have a look. Only then did I realise it was set up permanently as a chapel. Yes, there was another similar and non-specific room, but no change was possible so near Easter.
My clients were happy to take away my material and work on the kind of ceremony they wanted. They returned with a competent cut and paste job, all very fine - but they had written in a prayer for me to say! They explained that they were both rather traditional people and it seems to have been in that vein that they'd selected the prayer. What to do? Well, being a Humanist, more than a rationalist, I compromised. I explained that in my unbelief I could not read a prayer - but I could announce that they wished to ask for help, and the let them go on and do it!
Should there be music? They had decided on a tape of Chopin mazurkas to play quietly in the background during the ceremony. I had a vision of us all kicking up our legs in Polish mazurka fashion and almost offered a record of Chopin nocturnes instead. In time I realised that their choice could be music of significance to them.
Had I navigated the last snags? I took heart when they delivered the marriage licence to me. At least I was acceptable to the Registrar, and surely little more could be planned in advance.
On the day, the wedding party all met up at one of the hotel bars and I was careful to drink only orange juice. As we moved on to the Hotel Chapel the bride and groom were concerned that the hotel's musak would be too loud - and in those days the ceremony had to take place with an open door. I advised them to play the tape regardless - and Chopin won hands down!
We'd planned for a circle ceremony, - well away from the altar, I'd hoped. They knew of the need for a side table for the document signing, but that table was now full of the tape deck. Luckily my groom was a pragmatist. Pushing the Bible away to the wall at the back of the altar, he helped me spread out the documents over the pristine whiteness of the altar cloth. The large floral arrangement was jammed firmly in front of the cross. "Let's light the candles for some sparkle", he said, and did. Some how I had still retained the sensitivity about sacrilege and parts of the church instilled in me in my youth, but by now this was all wearing very thin. My couple was determined to stand facing their families, so the ceremony was performed with their backs to the altar.
And it was a ceremony with real meaning for them I'm sure. I enjoyed reading 'Desiderata' which they had chosen to bring the ceremony to a close. They hoped the young people would think more deeply about life by having been part of their parents' wedding. They couldn't have missed the fact that their parents were deeply moved by it all.
As for me, I survived my initiation, relaxed enough to enjoy a post-ceremonial sherry with the wedding party Did they as yet know that they had helped me lose my officiating virginity? I told them as I drained my sherry glass and prepared to leave. I hope it provided them with a laugh over the dinner table.
I looked forward to any ceremonies to come, when I would not be quite so much taken by surprise. I'd make it clear from the beginning that completely non-religious ceremonies are what I do. I'd never be able to foresee all the hiccups, but if the feelings are right I'd proved that the hiccups can be overcome and even enjoyed. The feelings certainly were right this time, and the marriage a wonderful second chance for two nice people. I remember them whenever I hear a Chopin mazurka.
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